The first time I dove into the deep end of the pool it took several minutes of standing on the edge asking my swim instructor one question after another. I wanted to ensure I would know what to do when I dove head first into water. My swimming instructor patiently provided answers and ended them with a reminder, “You know how to swim”. For some reason this reminder did not provide the kind of reassurance that she or I were searching for.

Before I continue describing how I survived that first dive, I want to back track a little to last summer. I had decided that I was going to conquer my fear of water and learn how to swim. I had to begin again despite learning how to swim more than 30 years ago in my high school pool. Despite my high school swimming lessons I had lost touch with water and more importantly my high school lessons were more about learning the skills associated with swimming rather than what I was currently learning with my instructor–being in relationship with water.

My instructor led me through the usual exercises to get me comfortable with water; blowing bubbles underwater, using my legs to keep me afloat, and remembering to breathe in when I came up for air. Through her encouragement I also approached relearning how to swim by developing a relationship with water rather than conquering swimming skills. Learning the correct strokes and their form was not important to me. I spent time in the pool at my fitness club exploring what would happen if I let water have its way. I asked myself how my body could respond to water in a way that honoured the relationship.

So that is why it didn’t matter that I knew how to swim when I stood at the edge of the deep end. What I wanted was a reminder that I knew water and water knew me. Eventually I dove into the deep end and found my round body forming a beautiful shape in water. More importantly, I found that when I made contact with the deep end I lost a bit of awareness for a split second. I entered another space I still have not found the words to describe. Maybe that was the space left for what water required–a bit of trust and a reminder that I have been here before.

Want to explore more of my stories? Preorder my novel, We’ve Been Here Before published by Dundurn Press.