My first semester of graduate studies ended and for a minute I panicked. Like full on panicked.
I had handed in all my work yet I felt this unsettled feeling in my stomach. I looked at the assignments I had due for my second semester and thought maybe I should get started on them. I tackled 3 rough drafts and still the unsettled feeling did not go away.
Fast forward to the next morning. I came to my studio and started sketching a self portrait using procreate. Patterns emerged. Colours popped and things lightened. I felt ease slide into my body and relaxed into the sensation.
Why couldn’t I find this ease earlier? Because I had not come off the productivity line. I have a real fear of not getting things done. I always meet deadlines and get stuff done but that fear – it reigns eternal. I remember when I used to train heavily. I was on a very rigid eating plan and my trainer would encourage me to take a treat day. I was always scared of those treat days because I was worried that every day would turn into a treat day and I wouldn’t be able to get back on track. So sometimes I never took a treat day. It was just easier to stay with the grind. (Who was this girl? Clearly we don’t give up treat days anymore.)
I constantly hear people talk about balance and I’ve come to realize that word doesn’t quite fit for me. The word that has resonated more is ease. I try to find ways to embrace ease in my daily life. That means accepting the natural flow of things. Like graduate school for an example has a flow – a rhythm to it. There are moments of intensity and there are moments where ease could slide in. It took me a while to find this flow. I became consumed with studying and talking about school – I think some of friends thought that I joined a cult for a while there. No it was just the Freire, Lorde, and Leonardo talking.
Back to ease – it’s here for now. The creativity is too and that makes me very happy right now.
P.S. That eating plan and treat day stuff doesn’t resonate with me still – I’m about ease when it comes to food too! Those who know – know.
P.S. Is P.S still a thing? Have I dated myself? Oh well!